if you like me you must not know who I am
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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