I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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