Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
