I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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