I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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