When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
