so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
