i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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