You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
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