four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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