He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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