i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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