Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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