PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
