Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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