You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
