i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
