addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize