I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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