sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
