Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
