Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize