This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
