just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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