There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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