Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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