i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
