you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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