Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
