The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
