I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
