We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
