i will never coherently bang her
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
