i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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