You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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