What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
