Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
