My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
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What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
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Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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