Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
