dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
