The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
