Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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