Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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