I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
In America we eat man semen.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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