capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
