I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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