my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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