i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I need to calm my uterus...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
