i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
