I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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