on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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