Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
