I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
