my phone needs a breathalizer
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
