I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
