Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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