i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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